Unease (06/02/2020)

I got home after work last night with a high level of anxiety. Not the historical level of ice-cold, yet burning & numbing stuff that normally affects me.

The “White-Outs,” as I refer to them, are my mind’s ultimate protection mechanism. Like a cross between an airbag and the “Egg Spaceship” from Mork & Mindy. Alternatively you could liken it to being in the middle of a giant snowball. You are cold, but warm. You can comprehend that’s happening outside but you are completely segregated from it.

When inside, I’m thoroughly encased by it. I’m somewhat paralysed yet safe, the edges are taken of the emotions I was previously feeling and, to be honest, I feel quite dopey and detached. It’s a weird, safe-ish happy place. I’ve also noticed that my resting heart rate dips to about 55-58 bpm, from a normal 65.

I do get a warning about when it is about to deploy, but i often just try and power through by rationalising my situation, but invariably it deploys.

Once deployed, it takes an indeterminate amount of time to deflate/thaw. It takes time before I can feel safe without it.

Last Night

Well, this is a familiar place i find myself in. I’m finding myself feeling a high level of threat or anxiety for a reason I can’t quite put my mind on. At times like this I just try to manifest my subconscious thoughts into something palpable that I can articulate and rationalise.

I also do what I have always done, which is eat. It’s always made me feel, if not exactly better, then maybe calmer.

After experiencing multiple bouts of physical and emotional violence in my formative years, my Mother would often give me a treat…biscuit, cup of sweet tea to make me feel better. I don’t blame her for this at all as we all had limited means and knowledge about a very difficult situation we were in.

But I can’t help but think something is hard coded in there.

Also. after these bouts of violence, if I protested about it’s unfairness, I was always told that “there are a lot of people much worse off than you are.”

In hindsight, I can’t help but think that this part of my upbringing is part of of the reason for my low self esteem, especially as these abusers were everywhere my parents, teachers and other kids.

You can only conclude that I am the common denominator and that i am the one who has brought this upon myself.

I think the most difficult;lt part of my formative years was the “hypocrisy and contradiction” of it all. The knowledge that the whole world seemed against me, it was my fault, but also that everyone seemed to be conspiring against me, bullying, violence, racism.

All to ensure I became “less.” that my highest accomplishment should be rare moments of mediocrity. Don’t get above your station, you don’y belong here but also you should find this easy as you are clever, you’re just lazy.

My Father always told me “You will always have to be twice as good to go half as far.” My Mother said I’m gifted, clever and all this stuff is easier for me than it is for other people.

I’m the Worst.

I’m the best

This is easy for you

You’ll have to work harder for less

I’ve earned this

You don’t belong here

You’re surprisingly good at this

You’ll never be good enough

You’ve got nothing to worry about

Nobody likes you

You’re my one and only son

You’re the dregs of my loins

You’re so popular

You’re friends are fake and will let you down

You’ve done so well to get here

God doesn’t like you

You’re so clever

You’re lazy & thick and should work on the buses

You’ve don so well from where you’ve come from

You could not have have got where you are without me

I feel like I’m a confused teenager again…lol

ANYWAY…I go just eat this day. Cheese, Sorbet, Breakfast wrap, lamb risotto, fruit slice. I’m supposed to be on a fasting day so I know feel guilty as now I feel bloated…This is a hard fail!

What Would Goggins Do? (WWGD)

I get up put on a 2 hour Goggins podcast and go on a 2 hour, 14km walk. I finish stronger than I started which was cool, got home, gamed for an hour and then went to the toilet as I ate so much and then went to bed.

Next day i get up 1 hour late 6.35am with not enough time to do my self improvement reading…ANOTHER HARD FAIL.

I HAVE HAD 2 X HARD FAILS IN 24HRS, MY ANXIETY IS SKY HIGH but my mental airbag has not deployed.

Is this progress, or another cul-de-sac. Is this positive, uncomfortable change?

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