What created my darkness?

Part 1 – How do I feel now?

Hi there, I’m back. I know it’s been a while since I last put my thoughts on to this blog, still working on the whole “self discipline” thing. But I have been making some notes in a pad and consciously contemplating thought, dream etc.

We are all constantly evolving, I’m not special or anything special, but I do believe that one of my more positive qualities is my need to constantly evolve. Not in a specific or planned way, but according to an old mantra of mine:

I don’t think I can win, but i won’t give up – It’s like i’m rebelling from the fetal position…lol

Anyway…

I have done a lot of work over the last…maybe 8 years on an off with a couple of short bouts of CBT with psychologists and many disorganised notes seeking to provide me with a firm foundation for final, positive, sustained grown and improvement, though there was something of a false dawn about each attempt.

Though they may well have just been small steps in the right direction as my life is certainly more positive and content that it ever has been, though I do feel that I am at a fork in my life’s journey:

  • Do I just look forward to nothing but my future happiness, and contentment, accepting the path that has brought me here, and concentrating my efforts into that?
  • Do I perform a final autopsy of my life to date attributing, maybe not blame but recognising the accountability both myself and others have had that have contributed to my current neuroses?

This seems to be a fundamental choice…hmm, I’ve often felt that I was a passenger in my own life…that I need to fully embrace before my next step.

I’m not sure why though.

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