Unease (06/02/2020)

I got home after work last night with a high level of anxiety. Not the historical level of ice-cold, yet burning & numbing stuff that normally affects me.

The “White-Outs,” as I refer to them, are my mind’s ultimate protection mechanism. Like a cross between an airbag and the “Egg Spaceship” from Mork & Mindy. Alternatively you could liken it to being in the middle of a giant snowball. You are cold, but warm. You can comprehend that’s happening outside but you are completely segregated from it.

When inside, I’m thoroughly encased by it. I’m somewhat paralysed yet safe, the edges are taken of the emotions I was previously feeling and, to be honest, I feel quite dopey and detached. It’s a weird, safe-ish happy place. I’ve also noticed that my resting heart rate dips to about 55-58 bpm, from a normal 65.

I do get a warning about when it is about to deploy, but i often just try and power through by rationalising my situation, but invariably it deploys.

Once deployed, it takes an indeterminate amount of time to deflate/thaw. It takes time before I can feel safe without it.

Last Night

Well, this is a familiar place i find myself in. I’m finding myself feeling a high level of threat or anxiety for a reason I can’t quite put my mind on. At times like this I just try to manifest my subconscious thoughts into something palpable that I can articulate and rationalise.

I also do what I have always done, which is eat. It’s always made me feel, if not exactly better, then maybe calmer.

After experiencing multiple bouts of physical and emotional violence in my formative years, my Mother would often give me a treat…biscuit, cup of sweet tea to make me feel better. I don’t blame her for this at all as we all had limited means and knowledge about a very difficult situation we were in.

But I can’t help but think something is hard coded in there.

Also. after these bouts of violence, if I protested about it’s unfairness, I was always told that “there are a lot of people much worse off than you are.”

In hindsight, I can’t help but think that this part of my upbringing is part of of the reason for my low self esteem, especially as these abusers were everywhere my parents, teachers and other kids.

You can only conclude that I am the common denominator and that i am the one who has brought this upon myself.

I think the most difficult;lt part of my formative years was the “hypocrisy and contradiction” of it all. The knowledge that the whole world seemed against me, it was my fault, but also that everyone seemed to be conspiring against me, bullying, violence, racism.

All to ensure I became “less.” that my highest accomplishment should be rare moments of mediocrity. Don’t get above your station, you don’y belong here but also you should find this easy as you are clever, you’re just lazy.

My Father always told me “You will always have to be twice as good to go half as far.” My Mother said I’m gifted, clever and all this stuff is easier for me than it is for other people.

I’m the Worst.

I’m the best

This is easy for you

You’ll have to work harder for less

I’ve earned this

You don’t belong here

You’re surprisingly good at this

You’ll never be good enough

You’ve got nothing to worry about

Nobody likes you

You’re my one and only son

You’re the dregs of my loins

You’re so popular

You’re friends are fake and will let you down

You’ve done so well to get here

God doesn’t like you

You’re so clever

You’re lazy & thick and should work on the buses

You’ve don so well from where you’ve come from

You could not have have got where you are without me

I feel like I’m a confused teenager again…lol

ANYWAY…I go just eat this day. Cheese, Sorbet, Breakfast wrap, lamb risotto, fruit slice. I’m supposed to be on a fasting day so I know feel guilty as now I feel bloated…This is a hard fail!

What Would Goggins Do? (WWGD)

I get up put on a 2 hour Goggins podcast and go on a 2 hour, 14km walk. I finish stronger than I started which was cool, got home, gamed for an hour and then went to the toilet as I ate so much and then went to bed.

Next day i get up 1 hour late 6.35am with not enough time to do my self improvement reading…ANOTHER HARD FAIL.

I HAVE HAD 2 X HARD FAILS IN 24HRS, MY ANXIETY IS SKY HIGH but my mental airbag has not deployed.

Is this progress, or another cul-de-sac. Is this positive, uncomfortable change?

What created my Darkness?

Part 1 Continued – Ok this self reflection thing is not going to be fun…

Well I spoke of two choices before me:

“Forgive and Forget” or “Committed and Honest Introspection?”

I think the truth is that I am too far down the path of introspection to quite now. In reality i think I have just come to the end of the line re procrastination with respect to implementing the methods to grow from my self analysis and observations.

It’s too late to forget, I’m honestly completely apathetic where blame is concerned…I believe too much in causality. Recognition of certain events, difficulties from certain parties would be nice, but unless they are willing to participate, it’s a moot point.

And these parties are either dead, unavailable or unwilling to engage in an dialogue unless it is approached from a perspective where I am burdened with blame.

And, you know what, it’s not about blame, it’s about being willing to do what is required to make a brighter future. Just understanding what happened, voicing what needs to be said in a safe environment and then moving on.

But it seems that this is not an option so what am I left with?

Well I have myself and my generally honest recall of events and my generous intentions. I have a great wife, though we are very different. (It’s like we are a great example of convergent evolution – I may talk about that one day)

I have a number of intelligent, varied, rational friends at my disposal who I can bounce ideas off. I have access to mental health professionals. I have my notes and work I have completed re childhood trauma and ACE scores, and I have a number of colourful and inventive analogies for the various mental predicaments I find myself enduring.

So maybe I’ll just set the scene and start putting all this stuff down.

What created my darkness?

Part 1 – How do I feel now?

Hi there, I’m back. I know it’s been a while since I last put my thoughts on to this blog, still working on the whole “self discipline” thing. But I have been making some notes in a pad and consciously contemplating thought, dream etc.

We are all constantly evolving, I’m not special or anything special, but I do believe that one of my more positive qualities is my need to constantly evolve. Not in a specific or planned way, but according to an old mantra of mine:

I don’t think I can win, but i won’t give up – It’s like i’m rebelling from the fetal position…lol

Anyway…

I have done a lot of work over the last…maybe 8 years on an off with a couple of short bouts of CBT with psychologists and many disorganised notes seeking to provide me with a firm foundation for final, positive, sustained grown and improvement, though there was something of a false dawn about each attempt.

Though they may well have just been small steps in the right direction as my life is certainly more positive and content that it ever has been, though I do feel that I am at a fork in my life’s journey:

  • Do I just look forward to nothing but my future happiness, and contentment, accepting the path that has brought me here, and concentrating my efforts into that?
  • Do I perform a final autopsy of my life to date attributing, maybe not blame but recognising the accountability both myself and others have had that have contributed to my current neuroses?

This seems to be a fundamental choice…hmm, I’ve often felt that I was a passenger in my own life…that I need to fully embrace before my next step.

I’m not sure why though.

Maybe I should start writing…

I’ve always wanted to write…well…something but I’ve never really had the focus, self-discipline or confidence to start.

It was never quite the right time

But the “Wonderful Wife,” who will now be referred to as “The Waff,” has maybe just given me the nudge I need. There is no right time to write, maybe I should just let my consciousness stream and see what happens.

So what’s on my mind today?

  • Rugby Union draft with a bunch of Kiwis
  • The challenges faced by the West African Diaspora
  • A strong Centrist politics based on STEM subjects
  • My ethnicity, my identity and my long standing feeling of being “other.”
  • My desire to up-skill in a practical way and plan out my career for the next 5 years
  • Getting to my 95Kg weight target, getting into athletics again and my path back to martial arts
  • My “JJ-Verse” short story ideas and development
  • Family

Ok, that’s probably enough for now, I don’t want to overextend myself. Let’s see how long it will take for me to add my next entry?